Dear friend’s mom and Mom’s friends,
I know your daughter recently got engaged\married\just had the cutest little baby boy or girl, stray dog calling guy who sells milk packets for a living, Temple pujari and the condiment store guy near home, among others:
Stop asking me why I’m still single.
As if being single is something to be so massively ashamed of that I might as well wear a t-shirt that says someone who loves me very much went to Paris and got me this shirt because I’m still single. Or a crime.
Who would have thought? Not finding anyone worthy of sharing the other half of a love seat with you while you feed each other tedhe medhe kurkures and laugh like chipmunks over the latest Bollywood flick is worthy of doing time in the Central Jail?
You say it like there’s something seriously wrong with me; something that’s been accumulating for a while and I didn’t work hard enough to prevent, like AIDS. It’s as if you’re about to dazzle me with a gorgeous compliment, and then you take it back. Rip it right out of my hands like a molten hot chocolate chip cookie, fresh out of the oven, at 12 pm at Subway. Here’s what you sound like when you ask me that question:
Dgirl, I’m so proud of your promotion at work. But honey, why are you still single?
I’m so happy that I’m not single! But don’t worry D, I’m sure you’ll find someone. I was talking to [insert friend’s fiancés name] and he totally could not fathom how you could STILL be single.
Girl, you’re too pretty to be standing in line here, all by yourself. There’s no way you’re still single?
D, oy vey, see even [insert the wedding you are at person’s name] is getting married, why aren’t you?
MY FAV: The Chicken Biryani at [insert random person’s name] wedding was so delicious, when is your chicken biryani on a banana leaf coming through?
Maybe it’s some kind of twisted algebra question: If X=3 and Y=12, solve why D is still single in the equation: X + SingleD=Y
Are you looking for me to rattle off a list of all the things wrong with me or my actions on first dates or the matrimony eyed uncles and aunties? You know, I was feeling pretty fine and dandy about myself today, but since you asked, I’m probably still single because:
- My family doesn’t own palaces or wheels that fly, so obviously the money in the family is as much as I have in my wallet right now.
- I’m too driven with my career and I spend more time smooching my computer than I do humans.
- I dont have a college degree or some fancy honcho doncho degree from [insert Foreign Uni name]
- Maybe I’m too open on first dates with the things I say: like do you want to skip all the talk and just sleep me cause that’s exactly what you would want from me right?
- My family isnt exactly a happily ever after kinds, Read Broken.
- I guess I’m a bit clumsy. But not in an aww, she’s so cute. Someone go get a mop and clean up her spilt glass of Red wine that will never come off that white shirt of yours.
- I don’t like to play games, so when I don’t wait 5 hours before texting him back or pay for dinner on the second date instead of the first, but I just don’t care.
- Im fat and HUGE, dark skinned too!?! Hai Hai, Aisi ladki se kaun shaadi karega?[English: OMG… who will marry a girl like this?]
Maybe you should start putting yourself out there more, you say, on repeat—as if you don’t appreciate my couch plopping Saturday night specials, go to some local single events or pick up a new hobby.
So friend’s mom or mom’s friend… creepy stranger in the neighborhood…Pujari uncle, listen up: Just because I’m in my upper 20’s doesn’t mean that I need to be 6 mins away from slipping an engagement ring on my finger. It doesn’t mean I need to have the job that pays for the Gateway Luxury Villas by Brigade, the boyfriend or husband who calls me Babe\Hunny, and the 2nd floor walkup apartment in Sadashivnagar. It means one thing and one thing only: I don’t know who it is or will be? I don’t know if the Man above has a plan for me AND I DON’T KNOW WHY THIS IS HAPPENING TO ME!
So leave me alone.
But just stop asking me why I’m still single.
And while you are at it, please stop saying: But she is a sweet and smiley girl. So nice, why she isn’t getting married? IF I KNEW, I would be married just to avoid this pity fest you have for me!