It’s unhealthy, I know. And I wish I could stop. But I’m guilty as charged, and so are many of girls, some we all may know and recognise. So sue us!
1. You can never really have him.
Even if you reach a point where you officially call each other ‘boyfriend’ and ‘girlfriend,’ there is a part of you which is always on edge, unsure of what is going to happen next. The rug can be pulled out at any moment, and there is something about the unknown that can be so intoxicated. When you are always waiting, always anticipating, the moment when affection or attention or confirmation actually arrives is like a huge dose of some incredible drug. We always want what we can’t have, after all.
2. Everything is a surprise.
If you go several days without hearing from him, let’s say, when he actually calls — even if you’re so incredibly mad at him you can barely form words — you are going to pick up that phone with excitement and nervousness. You are going to forgive him right away, because just hearing his voice again is the only thing you were looking for. It’s unexpected, and therefore interesting. His love remains a surprise because you can’t be sure of when or where it’s going to come.
3. He doesn’t care if you need him.
One of the least sexy things in a guy is the feeling of neediness and obsession — the kind of stuff that makes women “friend zone” someone, when she’s really just exercising her disinterest — and therefore there is something incredibly sexy about a guy who has nothing to lose with you. There is a definite power structure in these relationships, because you rely on his affection while he could definitely be fine without you. It makes you want to hold on even tighter, and be glad for what you have, because on some level you feel like he is doing you a favor by choosing to be with you.
4. He is sure of himself.
Confidence is amazing. It’s like some kind of natural perfume that just radiates off of people and draws others in, and when there is a guy who is a fully independent, sure-of-himself prick, there are few things that draw more positive attention to him. When someone is perfectly assured in every aspect of themselves, you react in a very primal way. You know that there is so much to learn from that kind of attitude, and you can’t help but want to be around it.
5. The “chase” period never ends.
So much of what is sexy about relationships is the period of the chase, where you are going after them and pursuing their interest and always unsure of whether or not they’re going to feel the same way about you. It’s what makes the buildup to the first kiss, or the first night together, so intense. It’s all about tying them down and making them your own, and being overcome with frustrated passion when you’re not able to. With someone who is constantly evasive and denying, this chase period never ends.
6. Other women want him, too.
You can see the look in their eyes when he talks to them with easy, detached confidence. You can see the pull he has. And the desire of others only makes you want him more to yourself.
7. You are convinced that you can fix him.
When it comes down to it, there is always a part of you that wants to believe that you can fix him. You love him so much, and do so much to care for him, that you imagine a part of his heart is being chipped away and eventually he will learn to reciprocate your affection the way you want him to. His walls will come down, his emotions will come out, and he will start answering your calls on a regular basis. Maybe it’s maternal instinct, maybe it’s just pure stupidity — either way, a huge part of your love is about fixing him.
I guess the real problem is, if you ever did really teach him how to love normally, would you still want him just as much?