Every now and again, every girl needs someone to lean on for something they can’t get anywhere else.
It could be sex. It could be some heat-of-the-moment attention and PG-13 physical contact. It could just be someone smiling and chuckling a little when you stop to talk to them for thirty seconds.
I’ve always had a problem with feeling ostracized, I never really feel like I click wherever I go. The truth is this is probably all completely psychosomatic, but a mix of the father never being there and long-term friendships that ended badly throughout my high school and early college years left me a little jaded. It makes relationships tricky, whether it be my best girlfriends or any potential significant others. In any case, it is limited to a one-night stand or a friend with benefits.
I’ve never particularly liked “R”. Sure, he’s tall, big, attractive, athletic, and at the top of his game in life etc. Technically, he’s seven for ten on the things-I-like-in-a-potential-partner list. Unfortunately, that’s about all of the positive qualities I’ve managed to find despite spending a handful of racy nights together with him. His intelligence in sex made him egotistical and a know-it-all. Many more that I met and found, physical assurances with. Guys who made my vagina feel like it still has emotions has attractiveness. A lot of attractiveness and that made them narcissistic. All of these were items on my thing-I-don’t-like-in-a-potential-partner list. They all got under my skin, but in the hot-and-bothered way.
R had done the typical thing—we’d hung out at his house, had a few drinks, talked about our hook ups, he cooked et cetera. And then he kissed me and I followed him back to his room in the upstairs of the house, and next thing I knew I was lying on my back on the bed and we were making out like the drunken teenage mess that you can find in any stereotypical hook ups scene. I hadn’t had sex. But I did it anyway. For the first time. From then on I realised, I Just Occasionally Need Someone To Sleep With.
The first time is usually not so great I’ve been told. But for me to experience something like this and with someone like him. He literally blew me away. From then on, there was no stopping this feeling I wanted. I just wanted someone on top of me, going inside me. I don’t need a man—except for every once in a while when I’m a little lonely. The next time was nothing special, probably right around average for a drunken hook-up, maybe slightly subpar considering my inexperience. He didn’t exactly blow me away, either. He didn’t seem to care. He asked me to stay the night and I left the next morning, and we never spoke again.
I met R again just to feel what it felt like the first time. Meet, going in and out of each other, Talk, Sleep, Cuddle, Blow, Leave. Then we don’t talk again until our next hookup, and the next, and the next.
My friends absolutely adore this pattern. They say it’s because that’s how everyone is now, but I don’t really care. I’m in my early thirties, and I’ve spent all but about ten years of my life single and bored. The single part doesn’t bother me. I’ve known since I was fifteen I probably wouldn’t ever get married, and I don’t care. I don’t need a man to have children—nowadays I can do that all on my own or adopt any of the millions of kids who need a mom. I don’t need him for financial support—I’ve got the a career of my own. I don’t need a man—except for every once in a while when I’m a little lonely.
R and I never really talk talk when we are together— you know about “US” or feelings or other relationship we maybe legally bound into. We just fuck and go to sleep, then wake up, throw up a quick shot and leave as soon as we can. It’s not exactly a relationship so much as an arrangement. The point is, I leave with something I needed—some physical contact, some adrenaline in my veins, and an urge relieved.
So what if I sleep around, even if it is with someone I can’t particularly stand in any other context? Even if there are no fireworks and dazzling lights? I don’t care. There’s a reason Disney princess movies are animated—they aren’t real. Just because I can curl my hair like Aurora and do my makeup for a blush like Snow White doesn’t make me a Disney princess. Just because I can speak my mind like Mulan and work my ass off like Tiana doesn’t mean I get a handsome man to compliment me at the end of the day. This is the real world in Technicolor, and you don’t get a good man just for having a pretty face and a functional brain.
R’s no prince in any sense of the word. Anyhow, my mom used to say that everyone has at least one thing to offer to us, and I know for a fact my mom has never steered me wrong before.
Then you meet a man. Actually, he’s been around for a year or so. But you notice him now. A man who I assumed I may want sex from. But no, he is something I weirdly don’t lust after. I don’t wonder how many inches he has on or how it would feel to pull him closer and inside of me. I don’t want a relationship either. I don’t want sex, love, marriage, money or anything from him. I just want to drink, laugh, talk shit, eat roadside munchies, go for long rides on his bike, talk local languages and make fun of how ridiculous the girls obsessing about him are. The feeling of being safe with him. Like I feel when I’m naked. Alone. Without clothes or people around me. Without attachment, ties, emotions. Someone who won’t be second guessing my bra size or the color of my labia.
Maybe I haven’t transcended into feeling or knowing what it would feel like when he is by my side on the bed, the couch or just holding me. Maybe this safe feeling goes away once we lie around naked. Is this the thing he will bring and take away from me?