Let me be the someone else, what no one was to me

In all the sense of being, one of the hardest things I have had to deal with in life is when other people try to dominate me; you know when they try to be enforce their will on you.

When it happens to a whole country we call it a Dictatorship.

I’m not screaming that all hell’s broke loose here and I am a victim of someone’s domination. We all live under some authority; the authority of law, the authority of even the most daunting mother while growing up. There is authority at work too. So does this mean we lack freedom?

Freedom. A word so loosely thrown around that the concept of it is lost when you put yourself in authority to standing up against the lack of it. Freedom is different things. It is many things for some. To me freedom is ‘good boundaries’.

How do we deal with the difficult people who try to dominate us or threaten to take away our freedom?
I have been working since I was 17 years old and I will be turning 32 in the next 10 days. During all these years and countless number of people and organisations I have learnt one thing: THEY WERE ALL RULED BY FEAR.

Fear of losing the job, fear of being humiliated by the management, fear of being judged, fear of being afraid. At the most recent one, the management was so intrusive that there was this unbalanced culture and no one was happy. No one enjoyed work because, some how, the right boundaries of authority had been over stepped and had become even more like a dictatorship.

I’m not as sweet as I used to be when the right boundaries are crossed. Harsh at the time but that’s OK. What happens when people overstep those normal boundaries of authority and they try to dominate our lives? Sometimes it can result in emotional even physical trauma. Other times its just a sick feeling in the bottom of our stomach because we know that when we go to work, home or cafe today we’re going to have to deal with THAT person again. Sometimes, it is just a silent scream that you hesitate with.

With authority, boundaries or domination being imposed on me, I am not as sweet as I used to be, but I am far more loving.

I realised for the first 31 years of my life, people were walking all over me because I had not set the boundaries in generosity. BIG! Yes, I let BIG get BIGGER than me.

As a child, I remember singing a song that had the lines: God’s love its so wonderful. God’s love it’s so wonderful. God’s love, it’s so wonderful oh what wonderful love.

It is wonderful! Add fear and it becomes religion. Religion has rules. Rules not followed can lead to punishment. Punishment can be against your freedom. So now, Is God’s love still wonderful?

Religion has gone from a belief in hope and faith to “I’m right, you’re wrong. Shut up.” That’s it.

I am closely guarded about myself. I can build a wall that I refuse to break and have been made aware by several friends and family at times. I call them boundaries. This isn’t separation nor fake walls neither division. They are respect. Respect for me, respect for here’s whats ok for me and what is not.

I cared… Ha! Wait i’m lying. I care a lot about what will people think, what are they talking about me, are they laughing, do they like me, are they disappointed by me? Now, how does that make me feel? Anxious, tough on myself, hard to digest, painful at times. I am not sympathising with myself. I empathise with myself and when I don’t, I ignore and murder every bit of self love I need to have for myself.

AUTHORITY = EXPECTATIONS = DOMINATION = ABUSE = FEAR = IMPERFECTION = MURDER OF ONE SELF

Every time I read that someone committed suicide or lost faith in themselves and gave up on life, I can only empathise and understand the need to murder one self because some one thought their love/authority/opinion/imposition was more important that the person’s own self worth or love for oneself.

They did not end their life. They were murdered. Murdered by the person who showed them their imperfections were the highlight and bow down to authority as they weren’t good enough. And even after they turned out to be good and enough, murder them with thoughts of how it doesn’t add up to the scale. You weren’t perfect all the time. Hence, you feel the need to end the existence of imperfection and leave them in their perfect lives – WITHOUT YOU. The dominator had convinced the dominee that the only perfection to be achieved is the absence of you in the presence of them.

The dominator’s expectation is never met. Hence, they shame them and then frame them. They were willing to let go of who they thought they should be in order to be who they had become, which you have to absolutely do that for connection with your dominator. This leaves no sense of worthiness in the dominee and thus murders every bit of worth even left. Sometimes this is single handedly done by one person, other times it is done by several people time and again. Sometimes several times in a day. They rule by fear and it’s that fear that enslaves us.

The dominator lacks self worth. He lacks the significance in one’s own life and hence he dictates to find significance by recreating it in another’s life all along forgetting that this is a human being who is being damaged beyond his logical understanding. I have been damaged many times by different things and sometimes the same people.

I proudly acclaim myself to be a writer on a journey of mind researching mode right now. I could be wrong! Along the way, I would like some soul, whole, role and courage searching. I would like to fundamentally expand my perception of things with courage.

Courage to not feel anxious about the past or the future. Courage to not fear. Courage to see past my disappointments. Courage to forgive and forget. Courage to watch a horror movie or not jump at dark thoughts of paranormal images around me. Courage to believe in my ability and liabilities. Courage to be whatever I want to be. The courage to be imperfect.

I want to feel strong, compassionate, passionate, ambitious, courageous all by fully embracing Vulnerability. Being subjected to mental abuse and pain does make you vulnerable. Vulnerability isn’t comfortable nor is it excruciating pain.

It is fundamental and it is necessary. I believe what made me vulnerable is what makes me beautiful. Being vulnerable has taught me what boundaries are and how to live in and around them. They teach you strategies of you know how there are people that, when they realize that vulnerability and tenderness are peaking high, and they will take advantage of it.

For me, it has been a life long wrestle mania! A mud pit where I have wrestled, choke slammed, drop kicked, leg dropped with vulnerability. I pushed back and stood up in the ring but eventually I gave up and lost the fight, but in the race for it won my life back.

I can not numb my EMOTIONS.
A: that’s not me B: I don’t even hang out with people like that C: I cry for people like that.

The more we fear getting emotional, the more vulnerable we get and this instills fear in us. This is what relationships look like today. There’s no love anymore. There’s no conversation. There’s just intercourse and blame. We perfect ourselves with apps that make your rack and butt look bigger, your skin look fair and flawless just so you get laid and then blame that LOVE is just a illusion. Yet, we fail to realise that what we began with was we numbed ourselves to feeling loved or loving and expected the result to be different.

After such a chaotic post filled with difficult and negative motions, I can’t help but conclude that we are hardwired for struggle. My mother held me up as a dark skinned baby with beautiful eyebrows and said, “You know what? You’re imperfect, and you’re wired for struggle as a careless man’s careful daughter, but you are worthy of love and belonging.” She taught me to say, “I’m sorry, let me fix that for you.” She built me to be strong AF and vulnerable AF.

I believe in hard work, ambition and strength – Things winners are said to be made of. I also believe in unicorns, magical pixies and tooth fairies – Things faith is said to be made of. I am my weakness. I am my strength. I am what self care and love looks like. I am the someone else, what no one is to me.

I am the strong panda in the world that is racist; and a magical unicorn in the world that lacks faith, hence my display picture of a PANDICORN. For the ones that asked. 🙂

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