I’m sorry, thank you, it’s ok and other words that have made you a malfunction

I recently saw an advertisement for a popular jewellery brand in India that caught my muse and I must say, I was thoroughly impressed.

The concept is simple, a woman is getting ready to receive her young entrepreneur award and is heard giving her “Thank you” speech for it. She starts off by saying that this is the first time she is giving her “thank you” speech and is nervous as she is more prepared for all the “sorry” speeches she’s had to give as an entrepreneur. Then she goes ahead and thanks every person who made the possible for her.

This caused a knot in my stomach and I went on a different trip about it. Hey! I’m allowed to and I am not sorry about this in any way.

As kids, we are taught to be polite and say your please, thank you and sorry with utmost poise and this flows so thick into our blood that it just becomes a reflex moving forward.

I’m sorry (while accidentally running into someone at the street).
I’m sorry I’m late.
I’m sorry I won’t be able to make it to your party/wedding/gathering/catch up/anything social.
I’m sorry I don’t understand you.
I’m sorry I am sick. I’m sorry that I feel sorry.
I’m SORRY.

Thank you for giving me the opportunity to meet with you. Thank you for your time.
Thanks and Regards (at the end of every email I have ever sent)
Thank you for the things you dint do or couldn’t do.
I’m sorry I was in a bad mood when I said those things to hurt you. It’s ok I understand. THANK YOU for your understanding.
It’s ok. It’s all ok!

It’s quite hilarious if you see it that we literally live our lives just being sorry and thankful for things that don’t require those words to be used that often and fail to understand the importance of using them where they are necessary. This is how I’ve malfunctioned. In a lot of cases, this is how we have malfunctioned.

I have been sorry for so many things I needn’t be. Why? Cause it’s the shame that people make you feel and apologise for, like I just showed someone my period stained panties.

I am sorry trust me! But there is a difference between sorry I made a mistake and sorry I am a mistake.

Many times, I’ve apologised cause I felt guilty that I was a mistake. I was shamed for making a mistake and thus, I became the mistake. I don’t have wounds to show for this. After apologising for the hurt you caused actually to yourself and not the other person, you don’t get flowers or gifts to get well soon, instead you get “cheer up” and an expectation hanging above you as a sword that you won’t repeat it.

The enemy is invisible here, but like a basic human instinct, we all feel the need to put a face to the enemy. So, the best face forward is YOU. You identify yourself as the problem and not that you may have problems, thus, making yourself the enemy here. Why? You let people shame you, talk you into apologising, say thank you for their understanding and say it’s ok to yourself and move forward. Wow! This is multiple malfunctions in the same sentence to the main protagonist in the story of being SORRY – YOU!

You hear people talk about overcoming and seeking things on TEDx talks and think wow that’s courage. But, do you ever see how much of a shame, apology, weakness blaming and struggle they had to feel until they got up and stood up for it?

During the process of this, imagine the number of times they uttered sorry, thank you for understanding and it’s ok until they decided I am sorry I treated myself that way. Thank you for ensuring that I understood that the process was wrong and not me. It’s OK now that I have chosen to forgive myself for this. They weren’t always courageous, strong or a vision of perfection. They have taken a beating, several times in a day actually. The self care, self loving and self confidence has taken a huge beating every time they have felt the need to apologise, thank or be ok with something that isn’t ok.

This is when they said ENOUGH. Restarted their self care and stood up for themselves. Not charged a battle against others but stood up to be an inspiration to others battling with unsaid words such as what they express in TEDx. I love that their shame is now an inspiration. This is the only place I know in the world that SHAME isn’t negative.

Imagine, if I stood up in a street full of people and screamed with desperation and frustration for a good 2 mins. Break for 1 min and then explain in a another 4 mins how during those earlier 2 mins I was bipolar but conquered it in 1 min break time and here I am talking about it now. I would be branded bipolar, psycho, creep, fucking insane or any one of the other words that have already crept into your mind. SHAME. See negative! But, in a 1080HD pixel screen, your shame is seen as courage, inspiration and mentoring to others.

SORRY. THANK YOU. IT’S OK – These three words when used too often together or separately lead to other words or personality traits as one calls it to be formed.

Regret. People Pleaser. Emotional. Vulnerable. Anger. Anxiety. Sadness. Self Worth. Self destruction. Malfunction. Loser. Over a period of time, you have so many words that begin to cloud your own thoughts that you believe, ‘damn I owe an apology to every one I have wronged. How nice are they to understand me though I was being such an asshole! It’s ok, now I am going to apologise to each and everyone I meet!’

Now, when you are over your head about this and then take a deep breathe and realise this is exhausting. I can’t do this anymore. Make it STOP! I can’t use these words so liberally anymore, you break or to be put in perspective: Find a break through.

You don’t fit in and make limited attempt to fit. You aren’t one in the crowd anymore. Now you’re seen as that person who is in a bad mood all the time, have become detached and are living a life that you really need to feel sorry about. Why? Cause you are being selfish and being sorry, thankful and understanding only about yourself. You are now self obsessed!

These are the things no one tells you about. The damage you caused in real to the people whose routine you have now shaken up when you stopped giving into the 3 societal rules. You meander into your own woods, doing your own thing, picking up sticks and stones like you used to as a kid. This is when the adults damaged you and taught you those 3 words that ruined your life.

Children aren’t my favourite things, yet, they are so carefree and themselves in the truest sense. From fear, greed, lust, materialistic weightage and emotional baggage. They do what they feel. I missed childhood when I began being a adult at the age of 5.

In the process of using grammar and words when necessary; I lost a lot of good people or things and bad ones along the way. I learnt the tricks of my trade, not necessary that everyone uses the same means. You won’t see me give TEDx talks about this.

But, whenever I feel like being sorry – I clean the toilet, cupboards or do laundry. The sense of detergent cleansing my soiled clothing gives me immense orgasmic pleasure.
When I feel like being thankful – I donate. Food, clothes, time, money or whatever I can. I spend time laughing with people I like and I shop with the thankfully extra bucks I have.
When I feel it’s ok – I eat! I engage with food in a way that satiates my need for using extra words, time or emotions on people that don’t deserve my fries in the first place.

This is my life. This is me. And I’m not sorry for it. I am thankful that I realised the damage and malfunction I caused in the process and it’s OK that I went through it all. Cause the pot of gold I found at the end of my rainbow is worth every piece of shit I went through to find it.

Thank you!

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