I’m waiting for your phone call and I feel like it’s never going to come. I realize slowly that I was never on your mind today.
Apart of me is at peace with the fact that with every passing minute, every quiet moment.
I convince myself there’s a legitimate reason why you haven’t called yet. It’s easy for me to make excuses for you while I wait. You were too busy, you lost track of time, your phone is out of reach and you’ve fallen asleep without realizing it. It happens, those things, but when I’m honest with myself I know none of those are true, none of those are the reason I’m waiting by my phone for your phone call.
I adore that feeling when I see your name pop up on my screen. The anticipation is killing me and as I watch the clock count down the hours and the sun sink below the horizon I can’t help but think of you.
We always say we’d talk today. I’ll call you. I’ll send you a voice memo or that selfie you’ve been asking for. I don’t know if I need to outline when it was appropriate to call one another, but I find myself hung up on being the one who cares less, the one who could go a whole day without hearing from you.
But I’m not that girl and I do care.
I care enough to spend my days busying with work and projects that take up way too much time, yet in a matter of 25-45 seconds I can help but focus my mind on you and how much I just want to hear about your day, send you a funny text, and talk about nothing in particular at all. I think about how sparsely I’ve talked to you all week and I wonder if the fact that I miss you plays a role in the fact that I’m waiting, just waiting, to hear from you again. You are like a long lost friend and the laundry list of things I want to share with you is too long to keep track of anymore.
I can’t seem to remember when I started wanting to share so much with you. It was before we exchanged those texts, or when you told me that you want to spend time with me or before you told me that you were exhausted to a point where you couldn’t remember how it feels not to be exhausted. This is when, the idea of just sitting together doing nothing sounded like my goals for a Tuesday night. And now I’m waiting, conflicted about grabbing the phone and calling you first. I could call you, I should call you, your voice echoes in my head that, of course, I can always call you. And I call you. Twice. But, I know what is the point? You don’t answer anyway.
The point is I’m waiting for you to call, you specifically, just like you said you will call; Because the idea of sharing your day with me and hearing my voice sounds amazing to you.
I know that maybe those expectations are high but I’m a girl who can survive with less and this is the least of things I want from you. It’s so sappy, it’s such a perfectly mundane stereotype of the female sex. Imagine how you feel when I call, when I make you feel special, when I let you know you were on my mind and when you think of that my qualms probably don’t seem so insane.
A call, a text, a sign of communication is timeless and classy. It’s not naked pictures, or a funny meme, a Facebook like or a smile kissy face emoji. In a generation that is always being reminded of how bad they are at relationships this should be the foundation – TO CALL!
Being able to just talk to someone, about anything, about things you like and don’t like – well, that’s huge. I like having that with you, but it’s not happening today, tomorrow or day after and I can only blame myself after a month. Because instead of waiting I should be moving on. I should be less afraid of knowing how it makes me vulnerable.
Priorities. Like many guys say, if he really is into you, he will find the time to call. So many people are scared of commitment and being official that they’ll remain in a label-free relationship, which blurs lines and only works until it doesn’t. I’ve said it many times before, I’ll say it again – “we’re just talking” is opening the door for cheating that technically wasn’t it isn’t cheating because, hey, you weren’t together together.
So, I don’t know if you are just not that into me or you aren’t interested anymore or maybe you are interested in someone else. Wait, maybe you got back with your ex. Whatever it is, pick up the phone and call. I shouldn’t have to wait, while you have the power to spiral my mind out of control.
I asked you. Being the “Alpha Female”, I asked you to give me those 3 magical words – I’m not interested. You said told me everything I wanted to hear yet, I’m not able to decipher why you can’t pick up my calls or call back instead? Is this what the generation YOLO calls the new rules of dating, mating and hating? Is this what it has come down to? So where did love that Rumi, Alfa, Christopher Poindexter, Oscar Wilde and Lang Leav talk about go?
Sitting here and feeling all the emotions of love within just myself is what they explain about. Except now I doubt if it is how I felt about you or whether it was how I wanted to feel about myself! Look what I’ve done. Sitting here in the puddle of my mixed signals and emotions, wondering if it was ever about you. Why? Just cause you didn’t call.