I’ve been working for a larger part of what I remember as an adolescent. I just finished my share of a really severe anxiety attack right before and after quitting my job in December.
The first time I felt something like that, I was certain I was going to die and there was nothing in the world that could save me. Sometimes, I felt as I was having a heart attack, maybe I had some kind of cancer which I don’t know about. Sometimes I felt I would be run over by a truck or car and this is how I would pass away. I could barely breathe. Every one of these scenarios created an anxiety that I couldn’t calm down, distract or look away from.
Part of it was just the pressure of letting go of something that was awesome. The pressure of doing something great. I am the girl who has always been ‘almost there.’ In the 15 odd years, I took to my heels to start working and being on a payroll, I think I’m still trying to prove I’m a professional. I’ve always been on the playing field, but every time I get up to bat, the game gets cancelled for rain or the case gets throw out of court as a mistrial.
This was my break through. I was finally in a place that killed me to be there but I knew it was creating a form out of me. I don’t know what form, maybe my life long dream of finally being in a “settled place”, maybe a great ‘I love my job” feeling or just the “I’m satisfied with my life” feeling! I was told by someone that I have the Midas’ touch. Everything I touch will turn gold for someone else! Oh the irony!
But then it was not it, I din’t make it! The odds were against me and I had to tap out of that game. For whatever reasons or conspiracies that may have been, I left and now I’m looking for my next big game. Prepping for it, working towards it, in search for the next big thing! Whenever I read about all these successful people and when they realised, this is it! Most of them mention that specific moment and say: “After that happened, there was no looking back.”
That’s what I want. To never look back. I am waiting for that specific moment.
This is my story of having a dream, the hope of it coming true and keeping the faith that good things are always happening. Sometimes, they forget their way and won’t find you, but you just got to attract them to come back to you 🙂 I’m keeping my faith. I know it’s coming. I just want it to know, I’m waiting – Arms wide open! Come and get me.