It’s scary, I know. The thought of being trapped in a decision; a relationship, a lifestyle, a career, anything. Nobody else understands it because relationships are so glorified today, you’re not a ‘real person’ if you don’t have a significant other. But what if the thought of having one is enough to make you feel as though you’re in a room where the walls are slowly creeping together, seconds away from crushing you.
What if it makes you feel like your chest is having contraptions and breathing as never ever felt this hard before?
It’s not that you don’t love people, you do.
You love your family and your friends, but they don’t expect you to stay in the same town, right by their side forever. Of course you’ll be there if they need you, but they give you the freedom to come and go as you choose. A partner wouldn’t do that. You don’t expect anyone to stick around forever, including them. And yes, maybe some part of that is that you don’t want anyone to expect you to stick around forever but there’s more to it than that. Maybe your whole life has consisted of people walking out on you, maybe it’s comprised of you constantly moving, and maybe it’s been defined by ‘maybes’, by possibilities and by the unknown. But there’s something so comforting in that. Nobody ever understands it, but you revel in the potential for change, for development and for movement. A relationship would simply stifle that.
You put up walls as soon as you fear that they may pull away. You know what it means to be hurt by loss and it’s become almost instinctive to protect yourself from it. You barricade yourself in your own mind, safe from the thorns of others that could pierce your heart. The thought of loving someone romantically is beyond nauseating, and having to stay somewhere, by someone’s side forever is akin to stabbing yourself in the eyes with a pitchfork.
I know all of this because I am you. Or at least I once was. And nobody’s going to understand it.
They’ll compare you to some self-pitying, miserable old man who moans about how everyone has left him. Or they’ll tell you someday someone’s going to walk into your life and sweep you off your feet and suddenly it will all make sense, like you’re some damsel in distress, trapped in a tower of her own creation and all you need is a prince in shining armour to come save you. But that’s not your fairytale.
Someday you will want to be with someone, but who says that day has to be today or tomorrow or even the day after that?
People will tell you you’re too independent, like your ability to be self-sufficient and save yourself is some kind of fault. But have you ever heard someone tell a guy that? Of course not. Screw them, savour your independence and the inevitable commitment issues that come with that, because someday you’ll find someone who loves them. The right person won’t love you despite your issues and supposed ‘flaws’, they will accept that they are a part of you and will come to love you even for them, because without them you aren’t you.
It will all make sense someday, I have complete faith in that.
Someday your walls will break down but it won’t be someone else who does it, it will be you.
Sure maybe one guy or girl will make you realise that you’re not getting anywhere by having those barricades around your heart but at the end of the day it’s only you who has the ability to make the decision to pull them down, to surrender to the inevitability of life. It’s all too short to take seriously, let alone to trap yourself from the world. Yes, it may hurt and yes you’re going to revert back to your tower but at some point you will get up and walk away.
You’ll realise life is worth living and that protecting yourself from your own heart isn’t living. Not really.