When did I start? When exactly was the day we realised this wasn’t working? We felt it at the same moment I know that. We knew it wasn’t right and something had to be said.
It came to me all at once and I blurted out everything I had felt over the last couple of weeks, months and years you started to take a toll on me. You lied to me, you cheated me, you broke me. It was YOU.
I lied to you, I dint try hard enough to make it ok. I ignored you. I tried to get out even. But, couldn’t muster up the courage to tell you.
Like you I sulked at silly small things. You taught me pain was all I deserved and that’s what destiny held for me was, you made me chant that I was cut out to ride through this alone. Alone I will always be. I deserved it. Told me I was weak for everything I dint have; told me my strength for the things I had, was a joke.
Told me I was weak for everything I dint have; told me my strength for the things I had, was a joke.
At the corner of every street I ran to, I ran into you. What are you doing? Just go to hell. Stop. Make it stop. There were days I would beg you to stop. Then days where I half-hearted I got used to you, got used to the way you would be. This is how it was always going to be. You have me at your mercy whenever you liked and left me without a touch sometimes. You made my shadows grow so tall that I couldn’t make eye contact. Lies all the time. Your false vows and promises, your scorching of all my dreams, your taking away my first could-haves, your never giving me my firsts, your ruthlessness towards my unanswered prayers. Your all of a sudden and all at once.
You happened to me, every day, all day.
I sulked some more.
Today, I woke up different. I forgive you! I forgive you life.
Let’s hug it out!
I opened my arms wide for the first time and felt that this is it, I have been wanting to do this for a really long time but got lost in transit of silly miniscule things that kept my attention longer than you did.
I smiled a curve that felt different like I don’t recognise how my face looks like this. The mischievous eyes I always had, returned. The impish laughter I remembered, the unfurled hair waving as I walked down unfamilar streets like I owned them, thinking about how nonchalant had become insolence to me, I had forgotten how that felt but today, I breathe I breathe.
This was your plan all along huh? Happiness. It was always subjective when it came to me.
There is often something deeply personal connected to weaving words, metaphors, rhyming patterns and imagery to provide some inarticulate sense of well something in tragedy, pain and writing about sorrow. But today as I sit down to write about happiness (I even feel lke #happiness), this new feeling feels heady. I feel different and I am different. Like the doctor recently prescribed a full dose of dopamine. Like nothing feels more important to me right now than the fact that I want to feel this way every day. How I can find more ways and things to do that make it an every day habit.
Life, we have been through a lot. Let it not be harder than it already is. Come, sit down; have a cup of coffee with me. Let’s do this. We got this.
Come, sit down; have a cup of coffee with me. Let’s do this. We got this.