Life at 2800 kms away from home

It’s always a pleasure to break the fragments of my mind and put down in mere words (most powerful medium) to exposure the conversations I have with myself throughout the day, week and year. This I have to do!

October 2016 brought around a 360 degree spin around in my life where I made a very important decision to change the direction my life was going in and accept a job offer 2800 kms away from home. A lot changed! I know I know, this isn’t as far away, not a big deal, just 3.5 hours flight journey but know you this, I have never lived alone let alone in a country and city that is completely different compare to where I basically come from.

I am a South-Indian Bengalooru girl, lived there for 32 years of my life and I am in a serious long term, ‘put a ring on it’ kinda relationship with my gorgeous city! ❤ I’ve always been the text book version of a kid going nowhere fast, never had the strongest father presence so a lot of weirdness and trust issues I have could be cause of that. I have done my bit and worked my ass off to shape up as a human I am today. Haven’t come from easy times so I try to never take things for granted (except for my mum, which I know now) and work day and night for it.

Life as I know it, literally is like living a dream with tints of nightmares in between but a dream nonetheless!

I am a living, breathing and walking alien here. I love my new work and enjoy every bit of it and do see it as something I wanted to always do. And that’s what keeps me going everyday. Everyday is outside of my comfort zone and I am trying to grasp everything from work to just living life and how my relationships with people back home have changed.

In all of this, of course this place I now live in offers true solace when it comes to my singledom! Yes you got that – No hero in my sky!

CHANGE. Every single thing right now is/has/will change. Its difficult to get a hang of everything all at once. I know I stumble, I fall, I bump into things and sometimes look like a toddler but I am trying and I want you to know that. I’m sorry I test your patience at times and at times make you repeat yourself, but this overwhelming feeling isn’t easy to get a hang off and sometimes it defeats my sense of understanding. Time. All I ask is for your continued support and understanding. Sometimes, honesty of being able to say things which help me understand better.

That being said, I’m new to everything! You have all the jargons, the works and the mind of how it works and how to make it work better. I’m trying to get there but making the switch is a bit time consuming. I read, I google and I try to figure things out, getting there is a marathon.

Half the population is just waiting to see me fail and I am looking at one thing – Being able to experience this life, work hard and be proud of what I do and of course earn the money I’ve always dreamed of!

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I’ve put the phone down on you

Your name is still listed under my contacts. It would only take two seconds to type out a message and another two seconds for it to reach you. It would be so easy. So simple. But I won’t do it. I miss you like hell, but I refuse to text you.

It’s not my responsibility to keep our relationship alive.
As much as I miss you, I don’t want you in my life if you don’t give a shit about me. And you clearly don’t, because if you did, then you’d be the one to text me. I know you could be sitting there saying the same thing, but I don’t care. Why should I be the one to put my heart on the line when you’re just as capable of picking up your phone and typing out a message?

I’m afraid to find out how you’re doing.
I really really like you, so I don’t want to hear about how busy you are with work and all the pressures that are coming with it. But I like you, so I don’t want to find out that you’re living happily ever after with some woman who isn’t me and is being your strength during this “busy time”. No matter what news you have for me, it’ll kill me to hear it.

Texting you wouldn’t change a thing.
Even if I texted you, even if I rekindled our friendship and the fire hidden inside of it, nothing would come of it. Maybe we’d make plans we could pretend to be excited about and then cancel them at the last second. Maybe we’d actually follow through on those plans and kiss a few times. But it would all end the same. It would end with us losing touch, once again.

I can’t stand the thought of not getting an answer.
What if I actually put aside my dignity and wrote out a sentimental text message that you ended up ignoring? You’ve already hurt me by leaving me hanging and by losing touch with me. I can’t stand the thought of you hurting me once again, of reopening ancient wounds that should’ve been healed by now, especially over the phone.

You’re not worth the trouble.
If I made contact with you, then it would officially be impossible for me to move on. It’s hard enough to forget about how happy I am while you’re out of sight. If I let you back into my life, if I let you remind me of all of the inside jokes and sexual tension we used to share, then I’d ruin the tiny amount of progress I’ve made getting over you.

The person I miss doesn’t exist anymore.
You’re not the same person who used text me eagerly and say lets meet for 10 mins/30 mins or talk about all the kisses he wanted to give me. If you were, then we would’ve met by now, would’ve kisses a thousand times and actually be together. Now, you’re the person who shattered my heart. Who made me scream into a pillowcase. Who reduced me into the moping mess that I swore I’d never become. I don’t like the person you are now. I like the one that’s long gone.

I have no idea what I’d say to you.
I wouldn’t have to say that I missed you. The text alone would insinuate that for me. So then what would I say? That I wish things would’ve ended differently? That I miss sleeping with you? That I’ve been crying myself to sleep every night since you’ve left? Admitting those things wouldn’t make me feel any better, which is why I’m going to put down my phone. My silence says enough.