I feel blue when I look at you

To turn fifty shades of pink and red was too mainstream, so the skies turned blue with a single glance from you. Breathing a heavy sigh, she prayed for it all to be thine.

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Life at 2800 kms away from home

It’s always a pleasure to break the fragments of my mind and put down in mere words (most powerful medium) to exposure the conversations I have with myself throughout the day, week and year. This I have to do!

October 2016 brought around a 360 degree spin around in my life where I made a very important decision to change the direction my life was going in and accept a job offer 2800 kms away from home. A lot changed! I know I know, this isn’t as far away, not a big deal, just 3.5 hours flight journey but know you this, I have never lived alone let alone in a country and city that is completely different compare to where I basically come from.

I am a South-Indian Bengalooru girl, lived there for 32 years of my life and I am in a serious long term, ‘put a ring on it’ kinda relationship with my gorgeous city! ❤ I’ve always been the text book version of a kid going nowhere fast, never had the strongest father presence so a lot of weirdness and trust issues I have could be cause of that. I have done my bit and worked my ass off to shape up as a human I am today. Haven’t come from easy times so I try to never take things for granted (except for my mum, which I know now) and work day and night for it.

Life as I know it, literally is like living a dream with tints of nightmares in between but a dream nonetheless!

I am a living, breathing and walking alien here. I love my new work and enjoy every bit of it and do see it as something I wanted to always do. And that’s what keeps me going everyday. Everyday is outside of my comfort zone and I am trying to grasp everything from work to just living life and how my relationships with people back home have changed.

In all of this, of course this place I now live in offers true solace when it comes to my singledom! Yes you got that – No hero in my sky!

CHANGE. Every single thing right now is/has/will change. Its difficult to get a hang of everything all at once. I know I stumble, I fall, I bump into things and sometimes look like a toddler but I am trying and I want you to know that. I’m sorry I test your patience at times and at times make you repeat yourself, but this overwhelming feeling isn’t easy to get a hang off and sometimes it defeats my sense of understanding. Time. All I ask is for your continued support and understanding. Sometimes, honesty of being able to say things which help me understand better.

That being said, I’m new to everything! You have all the jargons, the works and the mind of how it works and how to make it work better. I’m trying to get there but making the switch is a bit time consuming. I read, I google and I try to figure things out, getting there is a marathon.

Half the population is just waiting to see me fail and I am looking at one thing – Being able to experience this life, work hard and be proud of what I do and of course earn the money I’ve always dreamed of!

The Curse of the Working Class Hero

I’ve been working for a larger part of what I remember as an adolescent. I just finished my share of a really severe anxiety attack right before and after quitting my job in December.

The first time I felt something like that, I was certain I was going to die and there was nothing in the world that could save me. Sometimes, I felt as I was having a heart attack, maybe I had some kind of cancer which I don’t know about. Sometimes I felt I would be run over by a truck or car and this is how I would pass away. I could barely breathe. Every one of these scenarios created an anxiety that I couldn’t calm down, distract or look away from.

Part of it was just the pressure of letting go of something that was awesome. The pressure of doing something great. I am the girl who has always been ‘almost there.’ In the 15 odd years, I took to my heels to start working and being on a payroll, I think I’m still trying to prove I’m a professional. I’ve always been on the playing field, but every time I get up to bat, the game gets cancelled for rain or the case gets throw out of court as a mistrial.

This was my break through. I was finally in a place that killed me to be there but I knew it was creating a form out of me. I don’t know what form, maybe my life long dream of finally being in a “settled place”, maybe a great ‘I love my job” feeling or just the “I’m satisfied with my life” feeling! I was told by someone that I have the Midas’ touch. Everything I touch will turn gold for someone else! Oh the irony!

But then it was not it, I din’t make it! The odds were against me and I had to tap out of that game. For whatever reasons or conspiracies that may have been, I left and now I’m looking for my next big game. Prepping for it, working towards it, in search for the next big thing! Whenever I read about all these successful people and when they realised, this is it! Most of them mention that specific moment and say: “After that happened, there was no looking back.”

That’s what I want. To never look back. I am waiting for that specific moment.

This is my story of having a dream, the hope of it coming true and keeping the faith that good things are always happening. Sometimes, they forget their way and won’t find you, but you just got to attract them to come back to you 🙂 I’m keeping my faith.  I know it’s coming. I just want it to know, I’m waiting – Arms wide open! Come and get me.

Trust that you are enough is my #notetoself

Stop comparing where you’re at with where everyone else is.

It doesn’t move you farther ahead, improve your situation, or help you find peace. It just feeds your shame, fuels your feelings of inadequacy, and ultimately, it keeps you stuck. The reality is that there is no one correct path in life. Everyone has their own unique journey. A path that’s right for someone else won’t necessarily be a path that’s right for you. And that’s okay. Your journey isn’t right or wrong, or good or bad. It’s just different.

Your life isn’t meant to look like anyone else’s because you aren’t like anyone else. You’re a person all your own with a unique set of goals, obstacles, dreams, and needs. So stop comparing, and start living.

You may not have ended up where you intended to go. But trust, for once, that you have ended up where you needed to be. Trust that you are in the right place at the right time. Trust that your life is enough. Trust that you are enough.

This is a something borrowed by a #notetoself post always pinned to the top of the mind.

Priority of a wedding ring or a mangalsutra, compare to anything else in life?

For a long time, nothing is happening. You know that people get married, and imagine that one day it will happen to you and your friends, but it’s all still very far away. It’s something that your parents did, and something that you might think about in a few years. But then, all of a sudden, it feels like someone hit the jackpot on a slot machine and, one after the other, a bunch of “Congratulations on the engagement!” chips are pouring out and you can’t catch them fast enough. There are announcements everywhere, and expensive, logistically difficult ceremonies to attend in the summer, and new last names to keep track of. All at once, everyone is getting married.

And I don’t begrudge people their moment in the sun. When it is your special day — or, if we’re being honest, your special 9-to-15-month engagement period — you have every right to celebrate it in your own way, even if that way entails taking pictures of you and your fiancé standing in a corn field, holding hands and looking defiantly ahead of you. Life is short, celebrate your personal joys exactly the way you want to.

But it would be a lie if I said that seeing all of this happen around me, all at once, didn’t make me feel something. It doesn’t matter if you are single or casually dating or in a long-term relationship, when everyone around you starts solidifying their relationships in legal and religious terms, you ask questions.

As a woman, the most obvious questions have always been “Are we giving anything up to settle down with someone?” You see a woman who is marrying before establishing a career, or who is leaving her own job to be with a man, and you can’t help but feel a certain kind of frustration for her. And it’s unfair, in all honesty. It is not our individual job to bear the burden of our historical place in the world — it’s not up to each of us to choose a professional life just because our mothers did not have that option. If a woman is happy and fulfilled simply by getting married, we should be unconditionally happy for her, and not place on her the expectation of living out some clichéd working-woman ideal.

But in a broader sense, when we live as long as we do now, and our prospects for establishing financial and professional freedom are as bleak as they are, you have to wonder: Who can even get married in their mid-20s anymore? I can’t speak for everyone, but I know that one thing I absolutely want when I get married is the ability to pay comfortably for a nice ceremony. I don’t want the wedding to bankrupt me, or to be the only thing I actually invest in. I want to be at a place in my life where I can enjoy myself without worrying that every last place setting is going to prevent me from buying property.

I know very few people who have a lot of financial freedom, or who are even well-established in their careers, and yet, there they go. Getting married. Somehow paying for a wedding. Having this lavish ceremony that pushes them, in many ways, into official adulthood, even when they are just as behind as everyone else. Relatives have told me that “the families help pay for the weddings, and it’s your jump-start into real life.” So maybe it’s feasible. But I can’t imagine, in this economy, not wanting to look at the family so ready to shell out for a destination wedding and saying, “Please let me invest that money elsewhere. I want to have a solid foundation of independence before I start celebrating things like my personal relationship.”

When I force myself to think about it, it seems like the judgment I make or the wave of discomfort I feel when I see so many people around me getting married so young comes from fear. It’s not a personal fear of “Oh no, why am I not invited to this club, why isn’t this happening for me?” because I truly do not feel ready to enter that part of my life. But there is a fear that we, as a generation, are still heavily tied up in the social norms and life milestones of a world that we will never live in. We carry things like heavy student debt and a tight job market and an evaporating middle class, and yet we still throw such incredible importance into spending impressive sums of money on dresses, sangeets, elaborate make up artists and catered food with fancy name plate table settings.

A friend of mine will get engaged, and her Facebook will be flooded with “likes” and comments and well-wishes. Another friend gets a job after years of searching and doing unpaid internships, and there is a moment of excitement, but it’s not nearly the same. We still feel as though marriage is the defining moment of a lot of our young lives, even with the divorce rate as it is, and even though finally getting a foothold in a career is arguably a much bigger accomplishment. We still want the pomp and circumstance and to feel like there is something to celebrate, and so we get married in our mid-20s, even when we have little else to build on.

One day, I hope to get married. I want to join families and take a name and live a life fully dedicated to the person I love. But there are many things that I want before that, things that I feel will make living with someone that much more comfortable and fulfilling. I want a wedding to be icing on the cake, not the one moment of “adulthood” I get to act out in a decade of life. And I understand its importance, and why we love it, but I suppose I wish we didn’t care about it quite as much. I wish that it wasn’t the one thing for which we really celebrate and acknowledge each other. Because, yes, getting married is a wonderful thing.

In the grand scheme of what deserves four hundred Facebook “likes,” I would say that paying off a big chunk of your loans is way higher on the list.