Life at 2800 kms away from home

It’s always a pleasure to break the fragments of my mind and put down in mere words (most powerful medium) to exposure the conversations I have with myself throughout the day, week and year. This I have to do!

October 2016 brought around a 360 degree spin around in my life where I made a very important decision to change the direction my life was going in and accept a job offer 2800 kms away from home. A lot changed! I know I know, this isn’t as far away, not a big deal, just 3.5 hours flight journey but know you this, I have never lived alone let alone in a country and city that is completely different compare to where I basically come from.

I am a South-Indian Bengalooru girl, lived there for 32 years of my life and I am in a serious long term, ‘put a ring on it’ kinda relationship with my gorgeous city! ❤ I’ve always been the text book version of a kid going nowhere fast, never had the strongest father presence so a lot of weirdness and trust issues I have could be cause of that. I have done my bit and worked my ass off to shape up as a human I am today. Haven’t come from easy times so I try to never take things for granted (except for my mum, which I know now) and work day and night for it.

Life as I know it, literally is like living a dream with tints of nightmares in between but a dream nonetheless!

I am a living, breathing and walking alien here. I love my new work and enjoy every bit of it and do see it as something I wanted to always do. And that’s what keeps me going everyday. Everyday is outside of my comfort zone and I am trying to grasp everything from work to just living life and how my relationships with people back home have changed.

In all of this, of course this place I now live in offers true solace when it comes to my singledom! Yes you got that – No hero in my sky!

CHANGE. Every single thing right now is/has/will change. Its difficult to get a hang of everything all at once. I know I stumble, I fall, I bump into things and sometimes look like a toddler but I am trying and I want you to know that. I’m sorry I test your patience at times and at times make you repeat yourself, but this overwhelming feeling isn’t easy to get a hang off and sometimes it defeats my sense of understanding. Time. All I ask is for your continued support and understanding. Sometimes, honesty of being able to say things which help me understand better.

That being said, I’m new to everything! You have all the jargons, the works and the mind of how it works and how to make it work better. I’m trying to get there but making the switch is a bit time consuming. I read, I google and I try to figure things out, getting there is a marathon.

Half the population is just waiting to see me fail and I am looking at one thing – Being able to experience this life, work hard and be proud of what I do and of course earn the money I’ve always dreamed of!

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You are thee Queen. So, put that crown back on your head NOW

One day she finally grasped that unexpected things were always going to happen in life.
And with that, she realised the only control she had was how she chose to handle them.

So, she made the decision to survive using courage, humour and grace.
She was the Queen of her own life and the choice was hers.

Some times some one else’s words become ‘Something Borrowed’ just to let you know you are a queen by Kathy Kinney

There Never Was An “Us”…

The facts are straight: there was never an “us.” Not technically. So Why Do I Feel Like There Was?

You see, we were never together, and no, I didn’t change my Facebook status from “Single” into “In a Relationship.” I was his, but he was not mine. We didn’t have labels. But you don’t need labels to feel anything.

The trigger was probably the thought that maybe it would be different. That maybe, it would finally be him. That maybe I won’t end up alone, scared or hurt.

It all started with the meaningless drinking, laughing and teasing — they were pairing us up, and we played along fine. At first, it was funny for us, and we went on like we didn’t care because I knew, I was certain, that I would never fall in love with him. But then I remember the moment when jokes became half-truths. That exact moment when I dared to transcend the line between silly and serious. That moment when I started writing about him too. And I wondered if it’s real already, and I asked myself as everybody around was laughing — as I looked for clues — whether he thinks it’s still funny.

But then again, I should have known that I would fall for him first because I have a fondness for guys that will never like me back; I just gravitate towards them.

Looking back, I can say that it was nice at first. He always made me laugh, he was my drinking partner and we had so many things to talk about, ALWAYS. I wanted to be always near him. I felt calm just knowing that he was in the same room. I wanted — needed — to see him every day. His voice became my favorite sound. It was all warm and I felt happy because at the end of the day, I knew that I had him. Or at least, I thought I did.

But it doesn’t take a genius to figure out that we really had nothing but just platonic friendship. I am even scared to say now that we were flirting because what if those moments between us were just a delusion? Because he never held my hand, or we never went out alone, or we never saw each other naked. What we had were words, laughter, whatsapp messages, glances, slight touches. Maybe we never really flirted, and maybe it was bound to stop after things get serious. Perhaps it was all a delusion, after all. But it doesn’t mean that it didn’t hurt any less.

I am scared that people would call me stupid and tell me that I only saw what I wanted to see. Even though I have this urge to explain to people why I feel what I feel, I realize that I’m not obliged to do so because these are my emotions — and they wouldn’t understand, anyway.

I know it will be more difficult to forget about him because I just didn’t like any one thing in particular about him, like his eyes, or his smile, or his dimples, or his dorky laughter. I like him beyond the physical, because I like him as a whole. And, most importantly, I liked myself when I was with him — I got a glimpse of how it is to be in love.

And maybe, that is enough. Then again, I now see him with her and it all feels like it’s rushing back. Those feelings of disappointment, yet another run away. Another heartbreak? Heartbreak from what? Not Love, Not Friendship. Disappointment of what? Expectations? Is that it?

I only Expected? I din’t Love. So why does it feel this way?