Through the glass she looked

She was the innocent child thrown out to the wolves and learnt to crave his knife to lead the pack instead. Adventure was her snowflake that beckoned her to come out and play. Through the looking glass at the end of the tunnel she stood; taking her breath away was the last thing on his mind. She was never his or her own. She belonged to something far too unknown. She detested recycled stories of boy-meets-girl. Yet, she got entangled in his dream catcher and all she could do was stare. Weak men ran away from her cause they lacked the strength to fix the broken. He was a fixer and knew exactly how many and where the stitches go!


Writing Notes in Black Ink

She wrote a note to herself today.
Before the moon bid its goodbye to it’s kind.
Before the world had a chance to wash her mind;
With pending tasks and bitter words that made her wrong,
Telling her how this would only make her strong.

She wrote it before emotions took over,
Before she said her name to the barista as a coffee-lover.
Before she had the choice between hope and optimism,
And sip into all the criticism.
A simple sentence that would resonate within mind;
before her eyes witness normality,
She wrote a note of what she wanted the day to be in reality.

She was not greedy, she tried to be kind,
Everyday she made up her mind.
Only to cease the day,
Yet be humble and not prey.
’Tis true that she wanted things her way,
She knew the dark clouds would not stay.

On the days it was hard to breathe,
She took a look around at the papers beneath.
Between the bills, payment sheets and cheques,
On the days she felt life was a wreck.
‘Breathe woman! Everything will be okay!’ she read,
This is how she knew her life wasn’t hanging by a thread.

I feel blue when I look at you

To turn fifty shades of pink and red was too mainstream, so the skies turned blue with a single glance from you. Breathing a heavy sigh, she prayed for it all to be thine.

Home is of course here – and always a missed land

I haven’t really found a place that I call home, I never stick around quite long enough to make it. My life is for rent and I haven’t learnt how to buy.

Packing life in 2 huge suitcases and paying for extra baggage (Indian mother to be credited for packing pots and pans), employment visa papers, OK to board, learning to understand the difference between paying in INR and the local currency, learning a new language, beginning my career in foreign land, having to calculate time differences and coordinate Skype calls back home… This is everything I signed up for when I moved to another country.

I knew things would change, and I tried my best to be prepared for those changes.

What I did not realize about moving to another country was just how much it would make me question people, relationships and importance of certain things in my life. I mean how realistically can I live without the mother’s constant pampering? Also, I just realised I am pampered and rather spoilt as a child (which when I lived with my mother I refused to accept being the only child). Just how will I live without riding my bike in a city that has grown into my blood, the rains, the cold winter in Bangalore! How will I not run to Moose or Jazzbaa for last-minute plans to escape the mundaneness of how stupid the world feels or to pop into Orion Mall with me so that I can ogle at the random bloke in the store? (who isn’t as good looking as I imagine) Oh the familiarity of the Indian men! Not so sure I’d miss that but still..

I will be honest: I have both under and over compromised when it comes to absorbing into this new country, and I can tell you; neither is the solution to your problem. In fact, doing either will most likely lead to more questions.

Am I compromising too much of myself to be here?
Am I underestimating or overestimating the prospects of what this change will do to me?
Am I letting these new cultures, traditions and expectations cut me off from my own heritage, my own culture and the way I usually do things?

Home is where you leave everything you love and never question that it will be there when you return. Moving to another country is an adventure, to say the least. It is exciting, exhilarating, and most likely a little scary at times. There are days when I walk out of my newly moved into building and look up at the beautiful skyscrapers literally touching the blue skies and bow down in humbleness for I feel blessed to be walking these streets, the elevators and travellators. I feel proud and scared that I am here! This is definitely not as easy as most other bloggers out there might have you believing.

When the idea to move to another country pops into your head, you slowly start to figure out what you should be prepared for; you know you will most likely have to deal with some sort of visa and immigration process, filing taxes in your home country may be difficult, finding a home that is comfortable and yet doesn’t burn a hole in your pocket. Those are all practical things.

I want to talk about the more personal barriers that you cannot possibly be prepared for; and those are what make you question everything. The feeling of anxiety and overwhelmedness will never leave you.

Finding that balance between you as a person of your nationality and you as a resident of your new country can be really difficult – but it’s so important to think about.

Making time to reconnect with mum, family, friends back home: Your time will actually be important here and not just wasted time on the phone!

Re-evaluate people you called friends back home! Why? Not because you now have a fashionable NRI tag but the fact that these people won’t feel your absence the way you felt theirs! So keeping in touch with everyone becomes just a sentence and not a commitment for both.

Be bold enough to make new friends and not be bothered with the fact of what will they think? Good friends or just acquaintances? Should I share everything? How friendship is defined here is a hell of a lot different compare to what it is back home.

Everything will be a learning experience and determine how open you are to learning it? Even a small ride to the next station is a learning experience cause you need to load your card, ensure you’ve taken to the right side of the train, be in the right cabin car, don’t drink water or chew gum… Endless!

Moving to a new country is so much more than booking your flight, signing your visa or immigration papers and the adventures you will have there. Making the choice to live in another country teaches us to find a balance between where we have come from and where we are right now. And in today’s world; you need to be that person that respects other countries for everything it is providing you with. The privilege of living in one of the safest countries for women, a roof that is comfortable with a gorgeous view, food that makes you feel like royalty (sometimes, poverty the other times), the fact that you work in a world-class business centre that overlooks the tallest buildings in the world… Wow! Now, a lot to be respected and thankful for!

I could count the 1000 obstacles that happened before, on the way or after I got here! Panic attacks, accident, dropping my expensive laptop, paying for extra baggage, over thinking about paying, anxiety about the flight, medical check up issues and delay in getting the visa.

Nothing comes easy in life I know that! But throughout the entire couple of weeks of me getting used to things and being here, anxiety is something that never left and gave me company throughout. Like, “Hey! I’m with you, are you scared? You aren’t? Oh remember the time that you did something bad? Yeah that karma is going to get to you and something bad is about to happen.” Everyday I keep thinking damn it’s all going alright. Is something bad about to happen? And when it does I always think; see I knew it would be like this! Why did I think bad about that person? Is this the evil eye getting to me? Why does everything have to be so tough? All excuses to blame someone else or something else, but the truth is these were out of my control. So I did what I do best, prayed for strength and put on my armour and learnt to battle it out in my head and physically at times!

People always talk about how much living alone in a different country changes you. I think people often forget that no matter how far away you go, you can’t escape yourself. Moving far away doesn’t guarantee a dramatic transformation. If you have crippling anxiety in India, you’ll be anxious on the other side of the globe too. Moving abroad will change you, but you can’t expect it to solve your biggest problems within you. Being alone in a new place forces you to face yourself and your problems head on. Moving abroad isn’t a simple solution for the deeper problems plaguing your mind. Even if you were to move to the moon, you always take yourself with you. As a fortune cookie so insightfully once told me, “No matter where you go, there you are”.

Moving to another country requires sacrifice. You’ll miss holidays, family birthday dinners, and Friday night drinks with randomness of friends during happy hours, just to name a few. You’ll be off having your own adventures, and hopefully having the time of your life. Sometimes, though, you’ll see that one picture on Facebook of all your friends at your favorite bar, and your heart will shatter. You’ll realize that everyone’s lives don’t actually revolve around you, and that they are all carrying on without you. Life is moving on, and you’re missing a chunk of it. You’ll be missing in the pictures, you’ll be on the outside of the new inside jokes. In this age of social media, it’s impossible to avoid reminders of what you’re missing back home. Some days it won’t affect you. Some days a simple Instagram story can send you into a crisps and chocolate-binging cry-fest of homesickness. You’ll figure out all the subtleties of adulthood that they never teach you in school (that’s what the Internet is for, right?), and you’ll realize that maybe being an adult isn’t the worst thing.

Seeing new parts of the world forces you to realize just how little of it you actually occupy. The scariest bit maybe that have the freedom to make this journey entirely your own. You are in a place where no one knows you or stories of your past. No one here knows that you get anxious with the thoughts of certain people who hurt you. No one here remembers the drunk episodes of tonguing the random guy in his ear. No one here saw you cry and have a meltdown at work cause of stupidity that reflected nothing on you. Embracing that and recreating yourself is difficult. If you always wanted to be more outgoing or more daring or more laid back, this is your opportunity. You’re the author of this new chapter. You can be who you want to be, and do what you want to do. Write your own character, create your own story… All you need to do is live it!

It is said that a hurricane is born when the wings flutter, I may be just a little butterfly in the grand scheme of things but my wings have created the hurricane. I have learnt to live with the fear of fear but embrace it and be my own best friend here so teach, learn and explain things to yourself where you can learn how to help yourself move on from your current situation.

Mistakes happen. Know it. Own it. Move on! As easy as it sounds, isn’t something you will get used to immediately! (words from the wise and even from the ones at work!)

I still miss everything in Bangalore and how I know how much I miss a lot of people, places and my things. (I really dint need those 6 extra pillows and 2 different colours of heels – though I miss them too!) Uffff… After all you can’t take the 32 years that happened there and say that isn’t me anymore. But those 32 years are what makes me stand under this beautiful skyscraper that breaks open the beautiful blue skies and screams to the galaxies above. (Oh! I also think it goes up until heaven)

I made it! I survived me. I got through my problems and situations by coaching myself through it and lived to tell the tale. Was it as easy and glamorous of some would assume? Hell to the NO! I literally lived like today was my last, but I got through it. Of course with the help of those that provided the oxygen to the thoughts and lungs at times!

Always dreamt that my passport would speak of the stories that my words couldn’t splatter across on paper. It does! If you read real slow and understand it, I live those stories through the pages.

Oh I almost forgot to mention, I now live in Dubai and my visa has come through and I am officially a resident here! 🙂 I have found home…

Though, if home is found on other sides of the globe,
Home is of course here——
and always a missed land!

Life at 2800 kms away from home

It’s always a pleasure to break the fragments of my mind and put down in mere words (most powerful medium) to exposure the conversations I have with myself throughout the day, week and year. This I have to do!

October 2016 brought around a 360 degree spin around in my life where I made a very important decision to change the direction my life was going in and accept a job offer 2800 kms away from home. A lot changed! I know I know, this isn’t as far away, not a big deal, just 3.5 hours flight journey but know you this, I have never lived alone let alone in a country and city that is completely different compare to where I basically come from.

I am a South-Indian Bengalooru girl, lived there for 32 years of my life and I am in a serious long term, ‘put a ring on it’ kinda relationship with my gorgeous city! ❤ I’ve always been the text book version of a kid going nowhere fast, never had the strongest father presence so a lot of weirdness and trust issues I have could be cause of that. I have done my bit and worked my ass off to shape up as a human I am today. Haven’t come from easy times so I try to never take things for granted (except for my mum, which I know now) and work day and night for it.

Life as I know it, literally is like living a dream with tints of nightmares in between but a dream nonetheless!

I am a living, breathing and walking alien here. I love my new work and enjoy every bit of it and do see it as something I wanted to always do. And that’s what keeps me going everyday. Everyday is outside of my comfort zone and I am trying to grasp everything from work to just living life and how my relationships with people back home have changed.

In all of this, of course this place I now live in offers true solace when it comes to my singledom! Yes you got that – No hero in my sky!

CHANGE. Every single thing right now is/has/will change. Its difficult to get a hang of everything all at once. I know I stumble, I fall, I bump into things and sometimes look like a toddler but I am trying and I want you to know that. I’m sorry I test your patience at times and at times make you repeat yourself, but this overwhelming feeling isn’t easy to get a hang off and sometimes it defeats my sense of understanding. Time. All I ask is for your continued support and understanding. Sometimes, honesty of being able to say things which help me understand better.

That being said, I’m new to everything! You have all the jargons, the works and the mind of how it works and how to make it work better. I’m trying to get there but making the switch is a bit time consuming. I read, I google and I try to figure things out, getting there is a marathon.

Half the population is just waiting to see me fail and I am looking at one thing – Being able to experience this life, work hard and be proud of what I do and of course earn the money I’ve always dreamed of!

It’s the heart that saves the world not the cape…

I know you’re hurting. I see the pain in the lines around your eyes, in the way you carry yourself, in the way you are guarded, cautious before letting anyone in. I see your hesitation. You don’t want to trust someone, for fear they’ll be just like the last. You’re tired of giving people second chances that they don’t deserve, or the benefit of the doubt. You’ve been broken one too many times to trust so easily. You’re tired, so damn tired of the same routine.

I wish I could pick up your heart and hold it in my hand. I wish I could bandage the cuts and soften the bruises. I wish I could mend each tattered piece and wipe it gently, softly, patiently, carefully, until it shines once again.

I wish I could fix your broken-ness, make you believe again—in the world, in yourself, in the strength of your heart. I wish I could help you see that not every person is the same, not every situation is negative, not every time you lean on someone will you end up face-first on the ground, beaten and wondering why.

This world is an imperfect place filled with imperfect people.
This world is filled with anger, with bitterness, with hate, with hardship.
But that’s not all it is.

This world is filled with people you can depend on, with memories that will make your heart sing no matter the time that has passed, with love, with celebration, with strangers that will show you all the ways you’ve been blessed, with children who will always put a smile on your face, with laughter, with sunshine, with kindness, with kisses, with forgiveness.

I see you standing there, shoulders shrugged, mouth turned into a harsh line, walls up. You believe you are broken, and you think there’s no changing that. But I wish you could see what I see—someone who is so strong, strong enough to get back up after every fall. And strong enough to continue forward.

I know you try to do it all with a smile on your face and heaven in your eyes, with the entire world on your shoulders, like a feather from a bird who will never stop flying, but I can see your heart showing under that super-hero you try to be and it’s time to throw out the cape, because it’s your heart that keeps saving the world.

What you have right now is a choice. A choice to believe that this is as good as it gets—that people will always leave, always disappoint you, always hurt you. Or that life is on a continual circle, and though there will be bad, there will be good. Always good.

You have the choice to hang onto your pain, or to let it go.

You have the option to see all that has happened to you, to shake your head, to be angry for a moment, then to take a deep breath and exhale all the negativity. You can choose to fight. You can choose to forgive. You can choose to move past what has tried to drag you down.

You have the choice to no longer allow what has happened to you change your life. Because this is your life, and only you can control the outcome. You are strong. You are resilient. You are pieces of your past and where you’ve been, but you are even more beautiful pieces of what’s to come.

You are what you choose to be. So be strong enough to leave the past behind, for good. Be strong enough to walk forward with confidence. To forgive those that have tainted your story. To let go of what doesn’t grow you into a better person. To smile at your hurt and know that you will overcome it.

This is your decision, your future, your happiness at the edge of your fingertips. Only you can choose what path you will take, but I hope you choose to set your heart free. You are a beautiful person, and you deserve that.

Join me on the dark side

I’m generally a cheerful person. I’m usually full of love, life, and happiness. I open my eyes in the morning and feel excited to be alive.

There was a time, though, when it wasn’t so easy. When blinking and breathing and speaking all took so much effort that I thought I may as well give up: I was in a dark hole of sadness and anger and confusion.

I didn’t think I was gonna make it, but you did.

For the friend who stood by my side through the storm: the one who held my hand and never let as much as a finger untie from our grip, the person who could see through my darkness when I wasn’t able to.

For the beautiful soul who believed in transformation, who believed in healing, and time, and growth. Who never once judged me for my heartache, grief, and anguish.

Who, when the world was torture to live in, gave me a piece of hope, a breath of fresh air, and a tiny scrap of faith that things might begin to change.

For the friend who was delicate with their words and capable of pushing me forward. Who didn’t mind coming to join me in the dark corner, who actually came and sat with me for a while.

You endured my aching mind, heart, body, and soul. You crawled inside me and frantically looked for the broken pieces that I couldn’t find myself. You pulled me through an impossible tornado that I thought was going to eat me whole.

You loved me at my worst. You never gave up on me. You saw through my opaque pain.

You made me smile when I couldn’t do it myself. You spoke words for me when I was lost. You looked me right in the eye and knew that I wouldn’t be like this forever.

You knew. You waited. You never left.

Dear friend, Thank you.

Something borrowed from a deep soul, dedicated to the soul that is deeper than the galaxies the solar system can engulf ❤