The dilemma of belief in a higher creation

When times go dark and things go wrong
I turn instinctively for guidance.
And who better to guide me than my maker?
Not knowing where the heavens exist,
I turn – wisely, mind you – to my inner voice
And begin to mourn about what doesn’t mourn.
“There is God in each of us,” the wise man said.

But if you do not believe in yourself
Does it mean that you do not believe in God too?
“There is God in every being around us,” the sage chanted.
But if you feel that the world is against you
Does it mean that God, too, is cruel?
I am not sacrilegious but why can I not be a believer?
Is it because of my upbringing in science?
But then, is science against God?

Science is man’s creation; man is God’s creation,
So science is God’s creation too, is it not?
Why would He create something that would destroy Him?
I am not sacrilegious, but why can’t I be a believer?

I have many friends, but I seek only one – God:
The ultimate friend, the first friend, the only friend.
But where do I find Him?

“Search within you,” said the priest confidently.
I obeyed him. What did I find?
Murky shadows of doubt and aimlessness
That follow a famished aura of pessimism.

To conquer the dark I need the light,
But how to find the light amidst the dark?
“Ask your soul,” sang the choir.

Ask my soul I did. And what did it answer?
That I was aimless and a sceptic,
That defeat was proliferating in me.

Please – I do not need my questions as my answers
To increase my befuddlement in this mad game.

Which path do I take at this fork?
And which in the one after that, and the one after that?
“Ask your elders,” piped the book.

And ask my elders I did. And what did they answer with?
“Ask not what is not expected of you.
Live by the rules, make no new rules.
Ask us not what is unimportant
For we care not for answers for what is needless.”

I still travelled the endless foliage
In search of the scorching desert –
I was ready to do anything to find answers.
And lo! And behold! God really came,
Came to help me, His son, out of the shadows.

I was saved – all those years spent in abandon
Were not for nothing – the time had come.

And He spoke to me like a Father would;
His voice was as raw as a lion’s roar
Yet as melodious as a koel’s croon.

“I know of what you seek, but forgive me, son,
You will know of it better than I do now.
Forgive me for my seeming aloofness
But I love you too much to help you.”
And He disappeared.

I was filled with volcanic rage.
Tears streamed down my scarred, dry cheeks,
My hollow, dead bones echoed with indignation:
I was deprived of my birthright.

I looked at myself in the mirror –
My eyes were erupting with blood redder than crimson;
My face was fuming with wrath untold, unsaid;
My body was shaking with furious shock –
I looked at myself and realised I was afraid of myself.

I had allowed myself to become a monster,
A many-faced, sans-heart monster.
I turned away, tears of fury now turned to those of grief.
Maybe there is no love in this world,
Maybe there is no friendship,
Maybe some questions were made to have no answers.

Or were they?
Religion is, in the simplest of terms, subtle.
Wise men have defined it in different ways,
Each more distant that the other.
While one called it the destiny of every true human being,
Another crudely called it the last refuge of a coward.
I, like most others, think of it as a dilemma.

Something borrowed from Sudhanva Shetty

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When Love isn’t something you chase but cherish, will it feel the same?

You deserve a love that doesn’t leave. We all do.

You see, the type of love that we all deserve is probably not one we have felt yet. And it is probably not one we have experienced. Yet.

You deserve a love that does not make you fear being let go of. You deserve a love that you feel all around you, regardless of when you are with them or not. You deserve a love that you know has the strength of steel. And even with all of the twists and turns life will hand out to you, it won’t ever split in half.

You deserve a love that is patient. That acknowledges your faults and imperfections. That knows when it is time to give you space. That is patient with your mistakes. And that doesn’t let silly fights rip you two apart.

You deserve a love that refuses to leave. That even when you are far apart from one another, that love will rise no matter what. You deserve a love that will reach out it’s hand to you, no matter what you have done or what you have said. You deserve a love that does not give up on you. Ever.

You deserve a love that will work for you two to become closer. This love will not lay stagnant in a dusty, empty room. The love you deserve is always present. Even when it’s hard to be, you deserve a love that does not lock you out of open communication. You deserve a love that does not turn away from your open heart, and you deserve a love that doesn’t reject a single ounce of who you are.

You deserve a love that is mighty. The kind of love that is stronger than anything you could come up with. You deserve love that is a fighter. The kind that will walk through a storm to get to you. The kind that will sacrifice themselves for you. The kind that will want to lift you up higher even if it drags them down.

You deserve a love that doesn’t pretend. This love will never hide anything from you, because they know you are worth more than a broken promise or a lie. You deserve a love that does not hide in the shadows from your greatness. You deserve a love that makes you want to scream out, “I deserve this. I am worthy of this love. And I accept it”. You deserve a love that makes you recognize your strengths.

You deserve a love that doesn’t and wouldn’t ever dare leave. That never questions you. That never looks at other people and question if they are better than you. You deserve a love that doesn’t stray. You deserve the kind of love that always, always believes.

Something borrowed

The Curse of the Working Class Hero

I’ve been working for a larger part of what I remember as an adolescent. I just finished my share of a really severe anxiety attack right before and after quitting my job in December.

The first time I felt something like that, I was certain I was going to die and there was nothing in the world that could save me. Sometimes, I felt as I was having a heart attack, maybe I had some kind of cancer which I don’t know about. Sometimes I felt I would be run over by a truck or car and this is how I would pass away. I could barely breathe. Every one of these scenarios created an anxiety that I couldn’t calm down, distract or look away from.

Part of it was just the pressure of letting go of something that was awesome. The pressure of doing something great. I am the girl who has always been ‘almost there.’ In the 15 odd years, I took to my heels to start working and being on a payroll, I think I’m still trying to prove I’m a professional. I’ve always been on the playing field, but every time I get up to bat, the game gets cancelled for rain or the case gets throw out of court as a mistrial.

This was my break through. I was finally in a place that killed me to be there but I knew it was creating a form out of me. I don’t know what form, maybe my life long dream of finally being in a “settled place”, maybe a great ‘I love my job” feeling or just the “I’m satisfied with my life” feeling! I was told by someone that I have the Midas’ touch. Everything I touch will turn gold for someone else! Oh the irony!

But then it was not it, I din’t make it! The odds were against me and I had to tap out of that game. For whatever reasons or conspiracies that may have been, I left and now I’m looking for my next big game. Prepping for it, working towards it, in search for the next big thing! Whenever I read about all these successful people and when they realised, this is it! Most of them mention that specific moment and say: “After that happened, there was no looking back.”

That’s what I want. To never look back. I am waiting for that specific moment.

This is my story of having a dream, the hope of it coming true and keeping the faith that good things are always happening. Sometimes, they forget their way and won’t find you, but you just got to attract them to come back to you 🙂 I’m keeping my faith.  I know it’s coming. I just want it to know, I’m waiting – Arms wide open! Come and get me.