She was the innocent child thrown out to the wolves and learnt to crave his knife to lead the pack instead. Adventure was her snowflake that beckoned her to come out and play. Through the looking glass at the end of the tunnel she stood; taking her breath away was the last thing on his mind. She was never his or her own. She belonged to something far too unknown. She detested recycled stories of boy-meets-girl. Yet, she got entangled in his dream catcher and all she could do was stare. Weak men ran away from her cause they lacked the strength to fix the broken. He was a fixer and knew exactly how many and where the stitches go!
In the crowds of colourful birds that sat in the tallest trees, every one of them prettier than the rest across seven seas. Metaphors and similes of their beauty, made the cracks on the pavement lay at ease.
One of them remained low because you can’t fly with wings made of gold in the garden of wild unruly souls. Like the bird whose wing is broken, you are the one that couldn’t follow the motion. You can’t fly like the others or blend with their feathers.
She sat in the roar of society, keeping to herself invisible to the quietly.
A part of her died accepting that she can’t fly,
that she liked it down here and being different.
But at times she just wondered why,
what is it about her that made her insignificant that she had to lie.
Broken wings cannot fly though I’ve seen more brokenness fill the skies.
With an aroma of anticipation and she waited there for her signal, the other birds strutted their formation and blamed her for her lack of imagination.
“Go ahead feathered soul”, he said. His feather shimmering gold, she lived in denial that this new stranger fell in love with her aura of survival.
I know you have tried and that you have been hurt. I know that feeling inside you wanting to give it another shot but at the same time, wondering if it is worth it. You start to think he does not care enough about you because if he does, he would have said something by now. He would have put in the effort and made it undeniably obvious that he wanted you despite what happened. You would have received that text or call you have been waiting for as you endlessly check your phone.
In silence, you realize that you want this to work with everything that’s within you. You want to love him and all that you ever ask in return, is for him to take care of your heart. Yet somehow, when you start to love someone so much, they see it in the way you act and the way you look at them. They know. They start to think you will never leave followed by a string of actions that suggest he is taking your love for granted.
At first, you make excuses for his actions because you want to give him the benefit of the doubt. After several occasions, you realize that you have made too much compromises and have been let down way too many times for you to count. You find yourselves stuck between trying harder or letting it all go because you will hurt either way. You struggle all night to decide between following your heart or following your mind.
Then you picked up the phone and dialed his number at 4am because you can’t take it no more. You need to know what he is thinking. You want to know if he is just as restless as you are. And then it happened, he picked it up but there is something different about the way he speaks it was half-hearted. You hung up, tired and broken. You’re thinking to yourself “Is loving someone supposed to be this difficult?”
As the sun rises, you eventually come to a painful realization that he is taking your love for granted. Yet, with your broken heart, you text him for closure. You choose yourself over love because you know you have given it your all. You choose yourself over love because you loved with all of your heart. You choose yourself over love because you know you did everything you could have done to make it work.
Your phone rings. You look down to a preview of regretful messages but they are a little too late. Your heart is broken. You choose yourself over love because you know your golden heart is too precious to be wasted on someone who fails to see it.
The feelings rush into your heart as fast as gasoline setting on fire. It has been too long since you’ve felt this way and it burns deep. You try to play it cool as much as possible, but you’re the type to wear your heart on your sleeve. It’s inevitable – the wants, the needs, the desires.
Everyone tells you to let him come to you. At this age though, why is that still a thing? You’re over the games, you’ve dealt with being alone and you’ve experienced love followed by heartbreak. You know what you want and that shouldn’t be your fault.
The days you’re together are magical, and the nights those lead into are a fairytale. You start getting to know everything about each other. Staying up until 4 am asking and answering every question imaginable becomes routine. He gives no indication you’re moving to fast, no sign of turning back, no thought of wanting to slow down.
Then there come the nights he wants nothing to do with you. You’ve discussed the whole communicating thing and expressing feelings. You’ve had endless talks about your sensitivity and your neediness. At the time, he believes “it’s cute”, “it’s endearing”, but in reality, its pushing him away-until he’s gone.
Feelings of insecurity and hopelessness surround your brain. Second guessing yourself becomes a daily activity. Why isn’t he inviting me out with his friends? Why doesn’t he want to constantly spend time with me? Why doesn’t he try to go above and beyond? You’re used to being the pursued not the one pursuing and it’s killing you.
How is it fair that because feelings overwhelm your brain and because you acknowledge them, you’re in the wrong? I want a love that is pure and magical but apparently that is too much to handle.
I’m an independent woman. I am strong, I am smart, I am outgoing but all of that combined with knowing what I want, is against society’s norms. I am not allowed to express how I feel, I am crazy if I am too interested in someone, I am needy if I want to see the person I like multiple times a week.
I can’t control it though. I deserve a person that doesn’t just “handle” me but truly wants me. I deserve to not only feel happiness from myself but also from my partner. While some might think that’s too much to ask, it shouldn’t be.
Is there ever a point in our lives where we should give up on love? Where we should throw in the towel and just be content with not finding another person to let into our hearts? I don’t think so. I don’t think that we should ever look at life and think that love will never find us. But this is all coming from a hopeless romantic. Hopeless mostly. And being a hopeless romantic in the modern age has taught me a lot of lessons all about love.
1. Prince Charming might ride the bus instead of a white horse.
Does what we drive or what we wear or what we do really matter at the end of the day? Why do we set impossible high standards on what we’re looking for in another person so that it makes it so that when we do find someone, they have to meet a criteria list that literally not many people can? When you find someone who makes you happy, the details really are just the details.
2. Sometimes the person you love doesn’t magically realize they love you too.
Sometimes we fall for people who don’t feel the same way. Does that mean that in some way we’ve failed either physically or personality wise? No. Not at all. I have found that sometimes falling for the wrong person can teach us what we want from the right person.
3. You have to kiss a lot of frogs.
Or maybe you didn’t have too and are just lucky. Sometimes though, it takes a long time till you find the one person you want to settle down and have a house full of puppies with. Just because it’s taking a long time to find the one though doesn’t mean that there’s anything wrong with you. It just means that they’re taking their sweet ass time to get to you.
4. Nothing good comes without struggle.
Even when you meet the right person, that doesn’t mean you ride off into the sunset and that’s it. You just get to live your life with your love without any sort of issues. Nope. No way. Whoever said love isn’t work is extremely stupid. Love is another full time job on top of your already full time job. Even though it’s work, it’s the most fulfilling job in the world if you find the right partner to do it with.
5. Sparks fade but laughs don’t.
You know that fuzzy feeling in your tummy you get when that new person you’re into texts you? Yeah that fades. It just has too. It deepens into something more than just butterflies. So if you’re the type of person who lives for sparks, I’m sorry to tell you that it’s not real. Find someone you can be incredibly silly with. Find the person who you stay up all night with laughing. That’s the person you should want to end up with. Not the one with instant sparks.
6. Never settle.
My last and probably the most important point. Never settle. For anything or anyone. Resentment isn’t something you want to feel later on in life. You want to look at the person you’ve ended up with and see what you saw in them the first time you met. Fall in love with the person for everything that they are and everything they add to your life. Never let someone make you feel like you can’t do better because if that person is not making you feel your absolute best, I promise you can find better.
Your happily ever after might not have a sunset or royalty but it will match whatever reality you’ve created. From one hopeless romantic to another, falling in love isn’t always sunshine and rainbows but it is worth diving into. No matter what happens at the end of the day, love will always be the best feeling.
Something borrowed from the hopelessly romantic soul – Alexandria Brown
I’m learning not to force things to happen.
I’m learning to just let them be, to let them align with my life when the time is right, to the let the universe bring them to me without having to run after them; because if you have to run after something, it means that it doesn’t want to stand still, it doesn’t want to be caught, it doesn’t want to stop at your door. I’m trusting God that what’s meant for me will eventually find me no matter where I am. I’m not going to be passive but I also won’t fight a losing battle.
I’m learning to let love find me.
I’m learning to stop decoding messages and mixed signals and signs and wait for the clear message, the message that is so obvious and easy to understand, the message that doesn’t make you question or second guess anything and the message that you’re truly waiting for.
I’m learning to let those who don’t want me in their lives go, I might even hold the door open for them because I don’t want temporary visitors anymore, I don’t want to share my bed with someone doesn’t want to spend every night with me and I won’t share my heart with someone who doesn’t want to protect it. I’m learning to let love find me when it’s real, when it’s simple, when it’s mutual and when it’s passionate.
I’m learning to be patient with myself.
I’m learning to take it easy on myself and my plans. I’m learning to be kind to myself when I slip-up and patient enough to make my dreams come true. I’m learning to forgive myself for my mistakes and let them be memories instead of labels. I’m learning to let these mistakes prove that I’ve tried for things that weren’t right for me, that I didn’t always play it safe, that I went for things I was unsure of and that I took chances.
I’m taking the wisdom I got from all these mistakes; the wisdom that taught that mistakes often happen because we are forcing something that is not meant for us and we are trying to get something we probably shouldn’t have.
I’m learning to stop trying so hard to control my life.
I’m learning that it is okay if I don’t have all the answers or if I’m not where I want to be. I’m learning to let life take its course instead of trying to steer the wheel in another direction. I’m learning that I won’t always get what I want but life will give me what I need. I’m learning to treat life as a friend; trying to understand it, trying to love it when it’s difficult, trying to accept it even when it’s frustrating me and trying to appreciate the experiences it has provided me with, the memories it gave me, the laughter it brought me and the sadness it put me through just to grow.
I’m learning to let things be and I’m learning to look at life as a person; a person who is also still trying to figure it out, a person who is flawed and a person who wants to be better on most days but falls short on other days like everyone else.
I’m learning to let the force of life move me instead of forcing it to stop.
This is the art of ‘Something Borrowed’.